I found a very funny text on the Internet. Its name was "How was the British Fleet planned for ages". However, the author is unknown. Original text is on Russian, but I think it worth be here on this site. I tried to translate it.
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1st Sea Lord (timidly): Guys, why don't we build a new battleship?
2nd, 3rd and 4th Sea Lords (with enthusiasm): What a grand idea, indeed! Really, lets build a battleship!
Lead Designer: Great idea! I have already created a sketch.
2nd Sea Lord (looks on a sketch): What is that ugly mug with crocodile tail?
Lead Designer: Why are you so "clever", huh? This is my undestroyable torpedoing ironclad ram that costs 10 million pounds!
3rd Sea Lord (with a sigh): Government would not give so much money.
Lead Designer (quickly devides all dimensions by two): Okay, she costs 5 million...
1st Sea Lord: Wait a second, gentlemen! Where is her cannons?
Lead Designer: Cannons are useless! I do firmly beleive that ramming tactics will turn the outcome of battles!
1st Sea Lord (histerically): There must be a cannons!!! Is this a battleship or what?!
Lead Designer: I cant work in such a way! (throws off the blueprints and goes away)
*Same people and new lead designer.*
New Lead Designer: Okay, gentlemen, I made a sketch of the turret battleship with 450-mm cannons that costs 4 million. Also, she will be uncrushable for the enemy artillery because of the armor of my design.
1st Sea Lord: Wait a second, why the speed is only 12 kts?
New Lead Designer: Otherwise it won't get inside the docks.
2nd Sea Lord (melancholically): See what the pairlament says...
*Same people and the Parliament*
Pirliament (altogether): 4 million is to much. Rework her and make her cost 2 million.
New Lead Designer (angry, reworking the sketches): Okay, she won't be uncrushable...
1st Sea Lord: I require 14 kts! What a mess!
New Lead Designer: I can make it 15 kts fast, but I do not vouch for the consequnces!
1st Sea Lord: Ah, reduce the seakeeping! Why do you need such a large freeboard? You look on the monitors! On the monitors you look! Yankee won't make a bad thing!
3rd Sea Lord: And what would it do in Atlantics with such a freeboard?... That is only two metres?
1st Sea Lord (irritably): Why do you carp? Okay, we won't send her into Atlantics...
4th Sea Lord (runs inside, tired): Bad news, gentlemen! Woolwich Arsenal is unable to do a 450-mm cannon, and Armstrong determined a damn big price.
1st Sea Lord (with a sigh): Rework it to 305 mm...
*Same people and ship under construction*
1st Sea Lord: I require explanations! Why the turrets are replaced by open barbettes?!
2nd Sea Lord (with a sigh): Otherwise it will flip over.
1st Sea Lord: Why would it flip over?!
2nd Sea Lord: Parliament required it to be able to get into dock on Borneo. We reduced its beam.
1st Sea Lord (stunned): What in Gods name it will do on Borneo?!!!
2nd Sea Lord: *gesturing*
*Same people and the first Lead Designer*
Lead Designer: I demand to stop the building! According to my calculations, ship will sink right after being launched! I have already wrote this in "Times"!
New Lead Designer: I cant work in such a way! goes away)
Lead Designer: Hurrah! I'm in again! Gentlemen, rework the project!
*Same people and launched battleship*
1st Sea Lord: Why did you hitched a ram there?! Ship has a big angle of list to the nose now!
Lead Designer: It's allright, it's allright! It is okay as it is! And now we are going to lay down four such ships now and then we get a new squadron!
4th Sea Lord (runs inside, tired): Bad news, gentlemen! Parliament demands new ship to be built with the superfiring turrets mounted on the diagonal! It refused to lay down this class!
1st Sea Lord: And what shall we do with this one?...
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The end. P.S. I tried to save all the linguistic constructions, but some of them are really barely translatable to English. Hope you like this humorous text as I did
